Stop “Should-ing” yourself: 3 Signs You’re Blocking Your Happiness
Should.
It’s a word that seems innocuous enough. We use it, hear it, and see it all the time. It’s so much a part of our vernacular that we hardly ever pay it any mind. We tell ourselves we should go to the gym more, manage our time better, be grateful for what we have. We instill in our kids that they should follow the rules, do well in school, and be active in extracurricular activities. All of these “shoulds” are intended to pave the way to a happier, more copacetic existence.
But are we kidding—or rather “should-ing”— ourselves?
The thing that makes “shoulds” pernicious is the oversight of their origin.
Most of us operate on blind faith that adhering to “shoulds” will give us what we want—which in admittedly oversimplified terms is happiness. When we consider that our fullest expression of happiness is as unique to us as our fingerprints, it stands to reason that the map to that happiness exists deep within us. Yet almost every “should” comes from somewhere outside ourselves. Relying on something “out there” to connect us to something as intensely personal as our own happiness is flawed. In fact, doing that often yields the opposite result for us.
how do you know if you’re “should-ing” yourself? Here are three signs:
You feel resentful or frustrated much of the time: Especially in situations where you’re busy trying to meet outside expectations, frequent feelings of resentment and frustration are a telltale sign that you’re not tuned in to your own map toward happiness. Sacrificing your own desires and compromising your values to please others or conform to their standards can breed tension in you that only serves as an obstacle to what you ultimately want.
Satisfaction in your achievements is hollow or fleeting, at best: If you reach a goal only to find that it doesn’t feel as rewarding as you anticipated or it takes mere seconds before you’re off chasing the next shiny thing, it’s likely that goals wasn’t aligned with what really matters to you. This doesn’t mean there’s anything inherently wrong with the goal, but if you’re going to expend energy in pursuit of something, you’ll be happier if it’s worth your while.
You ‘re tired of keeping up with the Jones’: If you frequently find yourself comparing your achievements, lifestyle, or choices to those of others, you’re probably using those external standards as a measuring stick for your happiness. Constant comparison not only ignores what you might actually want, but it also exhausts you in the process. Sometimes the only way to the greener grass is to water your own. Pour energy into discovering what nurtures you and your happiness rather than someone else’s.
What “should” you do with this knowledge?
Language can be powerful here. If you find that you’re telling yourself (or anyone else) that you “should” do xyz, change the words: “I want to do xyz because…” With this reframe, you’re more likely to catch yourself in a lie, if one exists. Otherwise, you’re more likely to find the connection of the proposed action to a value that lives in you. Not only will that kind of action pave the way toward happiness, it will afford you the experience of happiness right here and now.
