Is Your Fear In Charge? 5 Ways to Abate Fear, Reclaim Your Life, and Live big
What are you scared of?
From a stranger, it’s a question that typically prompts the standard surface answers—heights, spiders, public speaking—the fears that don’t really seem to have a big impact on the way we live our day to day. So maybe we don’t stand at the edge of a cliff or buy a pet tarantula or give speeches. So what? For most of us, these fears aren’t pathological, and they don’t seem to cost us much when we acquiesce to them. In fact, quite the opposite. We tend to see them as built-in parameters to ensure our comfort, if not our survival.
But if you ask yourself in search of your truest answer: What am I really scared of? Is it the unknown? Being alone? Failing at something? Our deepest-rooted fears are the most powerful and yet the easiest to ignore in terms of how they impact the decisions we make. To be fair, they’re pretty stealthy in the way they run the show. Like subliminal messages on an audio tape, they hum in our heads and seep into our belief system about what’s okay and what isn’t. What we can and can’t do. What will keep us safe…and what “safe” even means.
Of course, fear isn’t bad. It’s intentions are good, even if misguided. The dangerous thing about allowing fear to be in charge is that it isn’t you. Fear has no perspective or capacity to create on your behalf. Even more, it’s willing to sacrifice your happiness to succeed at its job. Imagine letting a robot drive you around in a car. Let’s say that unlike a Tesla, the one and only job this robot is programmed to do is to keep you “safe.” It keeps you buckled in the backseat with the doors locked. It bolsters the outside of the car with the walls of a tank. If it’s so inclined to relocate you (it is in charge, after all), this robot selects your destination for you. Maybe it clips your neighbors’ mailboxes and runs over people you care about along the way, because, well, it’s only focus is protecting you. Would you consciously opt for an experience like that? Likely not. You’d probably feel trapped, lonely, and powerless. Adding to that, you might find yourself somewhere you don’t really want to be when all is said and done. Ironically, as much as fear is working to protect us, it can be —and often is—reckless and ultimately damaging to let it call the shots.
So how do we know if fear is at the wheel, and what do we do with it if it is?
To find out if your fear is at the wheel, ask yourself these questions:
Am I being avoidant? Notice when you’re delaying difficult decisions or conversations. This might be hard to see at first, but inevitably over time, you can bet your bottom dollar that resentment will show up. If you’re starting to blame other people or your circumstances for feeling stuck, it’s time to take a look at what actions you’ve been avoiding to keep you where you are.
Am I overthinking this? Ruminating can be a tell-tale sign that your fear is getting the best of you. This type of thinking isn’t strategic or focused, but all-consuming and paralyzing. What-if’s and worst-case scenarios play out in technicolor in your mind while you shampoo your hair or drive to work. Anxiety, indecision, and playing small are the end results.
Am I working hard to control the situation? News flash: Control is an illusion. But for those of us who fall prey to its allure, we can spend enormous amounts of energy micro-managing, perfecting, and getting tangled up in the weeds. Not only is fighting for control a red-flag that fear is front and center, but it’s also futile and a recipe for burnout.
Am I people-pleasing? Dissonance is defined as a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements. Every time you agree to something that aligns with someone else’s values instead of your own, dissonance forms inside you. In the short-term, people-pleasing often feels easier, but it takes a dangerous toll as dissonance builds. Depression, health problems, and fatigue are likely in the long-term.
The common thread between affirmative answers to the above questions is STAGNANCY. The simpler question you might ask yourself, then, is Am I stuck where I don’t want to be? If so, fear is at the helm. Congratulations, you’re a human. We’ve all been there, and even those of us who are seasoned at managing it will find ourselves there again from time to time. That said, we can choose to get unstuck at any time by moving fear to the passenger’s seat where it belongs.
Here are 5 PRACTICES to abate fear, reclaim YOUR LIFE, and live big:
Acknowledge and accept your fear for what it really is: a protective mechanism. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to escape fear or get rid of it altogether. It isn’t going anywhere. Instead, use it as information. A lot of times when fear shows up, it’s a good indication that you’re stretching yourself. Pat yourself on the back! Then challenge any negative self-talk that floods into the picture. Is the message rooted in fact or simply an echo of limiting beliefs coming from fear? Know the difference.
Beckon the energy of possibility. Fear has a way of limiting our options when the truth is that we live in a world full of possibilities. Instead, tap into the energy of possibility by casting a vision of what you want without getting caught up in the steps of how to make it happen. Who are you in that energy? What does it feel like to be that? What actions would you take from that place? The simple act of aligning with this kind of energy will shrink fear considerably and get you moving.
Address conflict head-on. Conflict is to be expected in the pursuit of living big. You’ll ruffle feathers, you’ll encounter obstacles, and you’ll fail. The key is in what you make that mean. Your fear will make it mean you should stop. Your authentic, yearning self will tell you that it’s all part of the process. Reframe conflict as a chance to learn and don’t shy away from it.
Trust the universe while doing your part. The moment you accept that the only thing you have real control over is yourself, the more space you hold for opportunities to arrive at your door. Opportunity is just the intersection between luck (universe) and preparation (you). Dance with the universe. Surrender all of your imaginary control and make room for faith in something bigger, however you want to name that something. Fear can’t overpower true faith.
Embrace perspectives that serve rather than sabotage. Talk to people you trust about your fears, and you’ll often find they view your situation differently. We often forget that when we’re in a tough spot, we have a limited view of what’s really at play. Objective onlookers have a totally different perspective that can offer us insight about what actions we might take to make the most of it. We can also adopt better-serving perspectives by working with a coach or mentor to explore various vantage points. The value of getting outside our default perspective is immeasurable, and it fosters resilience and overall growth.
Remember courage isn’t acting without fear. Courage is having fear and acting anyway. ABATE your fear — put it in the backseat — and you’ll find your courage. You’ll also find that you’re no longer stuck. Then what? Well, imagine getting to decide that for yourself.
